[Chief Commissioner's office, new Scotland Yard]
<fx: Phone rings
"Hello, Chief Commissioner"
Hello, I would like to report a serious crime in progress.
"Really"
Yes. I know who the second in command of a huge international criminal syndicate is, and he's just ordered the start of a major crime spree. I would like you to arrest him on the following charges:
Conspiracy to cause public disorder
Conspiracy to cause mass vandalism
Conspiracy to cause mass trespass
Corporate manslaughter
Violation of three international agreements - to whit, the Geneva Convention, the United Nations Charter, and United Nations Resolution Number 1441
Suspected corruption
Also please take some further charges into consideration, the exact nature of which will be determined at a later date.
He can currently be found at his main base of operations, known as 10 Downing Street, London. If he's not there, try his club, The Palace of Westminster (aka The Houses of Parliament). He goes by the name of Tony Blair, and can be recognised by the fact that he is apparently deaf, blind and insane but still manages to hold down a ludicrously overpaid job. Some papers will be with you in the morning which will begin the extradition process of this dangerous criminal to The Hague for prosecution by the International Criminal Court. Due to the scale of the crimes, he will be tried for them all at the ICC.
"Are you taking the piss?" (a)
No. And I can present you with evidence as well.
"What evidence?"
Well, the evidence itself consists of about 40,000 heavily armed men about 4000 miles away, but there are going to be at least twenty media groups reporting live on the crimes. If I were you, I'd start watching BBC News 24, or wait for the Channel 4 News bulletein in a few hours if you can't get digital.
© Brian Wakeling
(a) British expression, means roughly "making fun."
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